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Sex Jokes and Humour : Quotes on Sex and Sexuality

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Sex With Your Ex
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P.J. ORourk

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Kevin Costner, Tin Cup

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that theres nobody to talk to during an orgasm. Author Unknown

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotics Notebook, 1960
Aphrodisiac Foods
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Im not cheap, but I am on special this week. Author Unknown

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Rita Rudner

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening

Dont worry, it only seems kinky the first time. Author Unknown

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. Butch Hancock

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter." George Carlin

The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral. Aristippus

I think I could fall madly in bed with you. Author Unknown

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. Brendan Francis, Playboy

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. Author Unknown

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Lily Tomlin

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, theyve got nothing to worry about. Beverly Mickins

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Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant. Henry Miller

Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore. James Bond: I must be dreaming. Goldfinger

Erection Problems
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Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, its a cure. Thomas Szasz

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing. Charles Bukowski

Free Hughy? No! Free Porn Unknown (60s)

If we define porn as any message from any communication medium that is intended to arouse sexual excitement, then it is clear that most advertisements are covertly pornographic. Philip Slater quotes

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. Elton John

Its very difficult to fail at porn. Michael Chabon quotes

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. Robert Heinlein

I love sex. Its free and doesnt require special shoes. (Anonymous)

Porn is the unconsciousness of culture, the libido of humanity." Unknown quotes

I think sex is better than logic, but I cant prove it. (Anonymous)

Tell him Ive been too fucking busy - or vice versa. Dorothy Parker

Sex Jokes And Humour
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the .....
Sex is Gods joke on human beings. Bette Davis

"In high school, I dressed up as every James Bond girl. I was a teenage Pussy Galore." Winona Rider

Its avowed purpose is to excite sexual desire, which, I should have thought, is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged, and unseemly in the old. Malcolm Muggeridge, on porn, Tread Softly For You Tread On My Jokes

I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading. Anonymous

Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Phillips

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. Its staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. Casey Stengel

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. Gloria Leonard

Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn" Dave Berry

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. Chinese Proverb

Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936

Theres only one good test of pornography. Get twelve normal men to read the book, and then ask them, Did you get an erection? If the answer is Yes from a majority of the twelve, then the book is porn. W. H. Auden

Joe: Do you think that piece of jewelry the Arwen gives Aragorn is a artistic representation of elf pussy? Tim: To me pretty much everything is an artistic representation of pussy. Alright alright.....unless its part of a dude.

Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection. Author Unknown

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The good thing about masturbation is that you dont have to get dressed up for it. Truman Capote

"Theres no shortage of pussy- its just the delivery system thats messed up." Dr. Roy V. Schenk

"Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself."
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Where did it all begin this Perfume and Sex Business'

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The tragedy is when youve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. D.H. Lawrence

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - its the triumphant twang of a bedspring. S.J. Perelman

There is nothing like early promiscuous sex for dispelling lifes bright mysterious expectations. Iris Murdoch

This is paradise, Im tellin ya. This town like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked. Tony Montana (Scarface)

Im all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. Gore Vidal

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. Karl Kraus

No one has ever died from an overdose of porn. J. Money and P. Tucker

Love aint nothing but sex misspelled. Harlan Ellison

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. Bob Hope


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